by Kristina Zoksimova
There are many reasons for why we leave people or why people leave us. They are always the same in their difference and different in their uniformity. They are usually painful, especially when the separation is abrupt. There are separations that are product of years and years of work towards them. As if two people are playing the same game, but the glasses they wear have different filters. Experiences and feelings are so different that if each of them told the story it would sound like they are reading from 2 completely different books. Where lays the truth then and how can you know when it’s time to quit in order to not endure this painful process? Every one of us has tried to stop the destructive power of the separation. Sometimes you manage to stitch up ‘the house’, but you know that the second a strong wind blows – everything goes to shit. Compromise eats you up from inside and you know that you are lying (to yourself, to the other person and to the people around you) that you managed to fix things. Everyone knows that the damage has already been done and all of this is pointless – but you are the last to learn. Thinking about it – it really doesn’t matter if other people know because they care for 5, 10 or 15 minutes while they’re putting their 5 cents in. What about you? You carry the feeling with you 24/7.
If people only knew how therapeutic a break-up can be, they would never endure the hell that precedes it. The path leading to a separation is torturous. When it’s meant for you to break up with someone, you will break up with them – but you don’t know that the plan is for you to part ways, so you stay and fight with every last breath. You try to oppose fate. How can you tell a person you no longer have feelings, you no longer love him in that magnificent way, you kind of despise him? How can you tell a person there is nothing left? Zero, the end, nothing.
For me separation is winter. All the other seasons have to pass, in order for it to be cold. You have to feel it through every loss of breath, every paralyzing fear, every nonsense and every single thing that makes you ask the question – ‘where to now?’
Spring is hope. It lures you into thinking that something will change and that everything can be the same. Everything will be beautiful again, rebirth in green, pink, white. Separation was just a bad dream. The illusion infiltrates and makes you numb to reality. If someone was to cut you open, you would think a mosquito bit you.
After that inevitably comes summer. Change is present, despite all your efforts to ignore it. You try playing hide and seek with life – but life always finds you. As much as you try to hold on to spring. The weather changes – it’s gets hot, dry and lonely. You feel like a kid left alone in the city, while all his friends are vacationing on the seaside or visiting their grandparents. You tell yourself ‘it will pass’, but it does not. You have a desert inside you.
The spiral of change won’t stop spinning, you keep thinking that you have things under control. You don’t have shit under control – autumn comes. Just a little more, hold on.
It’s beautiful, but it hurts. Mixture of different feelings, thoughts and contradictions surrounds you, just like the autumn leaves. Light makes its way through the trees and you grip onto it during the day, but the night comes and the cold catches up to you. The darkness makes you believe you are near your own end. Misleading season. Beautiful, but withering. Warm, but cold. You feel love growing closer, just to feel it leave after a few moments later.
Winter – a season you cannot just skip. Everybody has to endure winter. In this life, where we live, we have to accept winter. If you don’t like it, try to be born in Africa, your next life. It comes knocking and it doesn’t care if you are ready or not. It gives you two meters of snow and you don’t have a shovel. What can you do? You try to survive, you try to claw your way out of this situation, and you have no voice left. You have nothing left. You don’t even have HIM anymore.
Still it’s a long process, a road that has to be walked by two people. You are not alone in your suffering and that gives you some kind of comfort. And in that instant, amidst all the winter suffering, two people stop being together. In that instant, in this life, on this continent, in this apartment, in my life.
Nobody promised anything in the beginning. Nobody warned us. Nobody tells you how to continue after that. It’s nobody’s fault.
It’s like a game – that we have to play well and get maximum points in the end. You cannot exceed to the next level, but you have to at least get the most points.
If you lived throughout all the seasons, winter won’t seem so bad. You will be tired, yes. You will feel the dread and destruction. You’ll feel empty, but deep – like a well. You have survived. You are alive – that means you kind of won.
After the big white storm, when everything is quiet, when Christmas is around the corner – you start to understand – you waited exactly for the quiet. That is the exact candle you wanted to light, but never managed to do it before. That is the exact not-perfect dinner you wanted to make for yourself and that is the exact amount of drunk you wanted to get, without anyone counting your glasses.
Everybody needs some loneliness. The time needed in order to fill the empty well. And after that you can give from that well full of wisdom. To anyone who is ready to be filled with the knowledge all the seasons gave you.
You are alone and time is passing. Winter will pass and then… Oh, well!
Spring is here, filled with promises.
And maybe there really is love that begins and will never end. And we all have to learn that by ourselves.